the worst severant ever (one shot)
by 100hypersonic
Summary: this a a HUGE comedy base of the master of the Grail wars every day lives. this doesn't share my love/ hate for any one i just thought of everyone's personally one the spot and i don't own any of the characters they are own my type moon. (the is some sexual content with rider and Shinji just saying but it's not sex but please let me know if i have to change the rating.)


Hello readers this is my first fate story and I have plans for more like this one so this is kinda of a test. This story s obviously a comedy and it doesn't hold my actual thoughts on the characters and all fate characters are owned by type moon, now without further a due. (Can't believe I just said that)

* * *

Shinji Matou was sound asleep, so comfortable he could stay there forever. Rider came into his room; while a small part of her thought it would be rude to wake him the other half knew she had to get him out of bed. "Master." She called out it's time to get up." Shinji didn't move, "Master." She called again. He still wasn't moving. Rider jumped on top Shinji and started to violently shaking him. "Master you're going to be later for school!" Shinji opened his eyes and nearly had a heart attack by gazing at rider breast since they were so close to his face.

"okay,okay I'm up now get off me!

* * *

Like Shinji, Rin had also plan on sleep in, unfortunately like rider archer didn't agree on that plan. "Rin you said we'd going after a servant today come on." Archer nagged. Rin sat up and checked the time "Archer it's seven in the morning, no one's up at seen in the morning." She complaining

"The sun is up and I am up." Rin yawned

"Archer not today, I'm tired."

"You wouldn't be as tired if you weren't over emyia's house twenty four seven."

'Why do you care who's house I'm at."

"Because this is a war and you're trying to hook up with the enemy "Rin tried to something but she could think of any words.

"It's too early for this, I'm going back to sleep." She laid back down. Archer took a few steps closer than Rin raised her arm "back off or I'm using a command seal." Archer turned around and Rin thought she got him to leave her alone until she heard some mumbling "archer?" the mumming continue and got louder.

"So as u i pray now I summon unlimited blade works." Archer active his reality marbles and he and Rin were in a world full of swords.

"Archer what are you doing!" she yelled

Oh don't mind me Rin" he said with a sinister smile "I'm just getting in some extra practice never know when we could get attacked." A thousand blade lifted in the air above Rin and Archer. "So here's the challenge, I'm going to destroy all these swords before they hit the ground. I could mess up though; I've been feeling a little rusty lately." Rin screamed as the swords began to fall. Okay, okay I'm up!" the blades stopped and everything went back to normal. "Damn it archer."

* * *

While in her room caster was using her power to spy on saber, an alarm clock set win off and surprised her. "Wait, when did I get an alarm clock?" assassin walked in with a hair brush and a huge smile.

"Morning caster." He greeted.

Assassin stood behind caster, took off her hood and started brushing her hair. "aren't you excited going on you first date with kuzuki" caster reached for the brush and he moved his arm. "sorry not a date, I meant going out for breakfast" he counted to brushed her hair. "This is going to be perfect." Caster just realize he, had a makeup kit with him. "You'll so to the restaurant he'll notice you fabulous dress and your beautiful make up. And then he'll realize he has been in love with you the while time"

"Assassin?"

"Yes?"

"Who let you in the house?"

* * *

Illya was looking out the window and she notice her throat was dry. "Berserker" she called out "where are you." Berserker smashed a hole through to get to her. "I need some water. Left the room and came back with a apple." Berserker left again and came back with a water melon "never mind I'll get it myself" she snapped. Illya went into the kitchen and get a glass of water as soon as she finished slurping it, Berserker showed up behind her with flowers. When she left her room Berserker thought she was mad at him, so he was trying to apologize. "I'm sorry I yelled Berserker" she took the flowers from him and smelled them. "Let's play hind and seek." The two went outside to play. "Okay, I'll count and you hide." She turned around counted to ten, when she opened her find him since he tried to hide behind the tree. "Okay now I'll hind." She run over to a tree and crud up in a ball and waited for Berserker to find her, unfortunately Berserker did look for her but couldn't seem to find her anywhere. The large servant remembered that he still is in the holy Gail war and came to the conclusion that someone had kidnapped her or worse. The thought of losing his master brought him to tear, Illya held in a laugh thinking he saw upset because he couldn't find her. Berserker let out a scream and ran to the cities to start a man haunt.

* * *

Shinji ate his breakfast threw on his uniform and started running tours the door. (Where the hell is sarkura?") he thought. When he got outside then a thought cross his mind

"Master what wrong?" rider asked.

"Rider it's Saturday, school close." He said angrily.

"Look on the bright side master if this was a school day you would have gotten there on time." Shinji threw his bag at rider.

"Damn it rider!" he when back inside "go find sakura I'm going back to bed."

* * *

That the emyia residence saber was waiting for Shirou eventually came in there looking for her. "Good morning Shirou." Saber greeted

"Good morning saber." Shriou greets back "I need to ask you something."

"Is something wrong?" no it's just this now restaurant just open up and they severe break feast you want to go?"

"You mean like a date." She said nervously

"Yeah like a date."

* * *

After washing of the makeup caster was really for date. "Assassin for the last time you are not coming"

"But you need me, I could help you with your."

"Why would I want you help?"

"But"

"Stay here and guard and no matter what do not you in the house."

* * *

Rin and archer had tea while archer tied to apologize. "you still mad." He asked

"no"

"good cause I wanted to talk you."

"about what?"

"Your feels for Shriou?" just as rin was about to say something archer cover her mouth "don't diy it."

"what about it?"

"you know me and Shirou are the same person"

"Where is this going?"

"Since you have feeling for Shriou do you have feelings for me?" rin started at him

"what"

"Shriou and I are the same so if you like one you have to love the other."

"You nothing like Shirou."

"Oh really" he missed with his hair to look like Shirou "how about now" Rin started at him for a few second then she then started to see a resemblance

"I'm done with this conversion." She stood up

"Where are you going?"

"None of your business." She snapped.

"You're going to Emiya's house aren't you?" he yelled "you know what, I house own so you're pretty much going to my house!"rin had already left so she didn't hear him and just started pouting "that my house."

* * *

Shinji couldn't go back to sleep so he took a shower. While doing so he was thinking about rider because he has forgiven her for waking him up. "Rider" he said "why does it seem like she's all was trying to piss me off." After a bit more sulking he clam down and realize rider was just trying to help. "maybe I am being too hard on her." Just then rider open up The shower curtain open , Shinji screamed then cover up his private and turned around "what the hell are you doing rider!" he yelled.

"Master you're been in here for a while now is everything alright all right."

"Yes everything fine."

"Then why are you covering yourself like that, Do you have an erucaion?" Shinji started to blush

"No!" he dented

"it's okay master, you're a teenage boy so it's normal for your age, may I ask who or what are you mastuabing to?"

"Rider seriously

"As strange as this sounds I prefer it be me over sakura, you two are sibling and incest isn't accept by all people. magazines are good two but they can't beat a real person."

"Rider"

"I could take off my clothes if it makes this go faster."

"RIDER GET OUT!" she finally did what he told her. "Damn it rider."

* * *

When rin got to Shirou house no one was home "I wonder where he is." She said to herself.

"What are you talking about I'm right here." Rin turned around and archer was standing right behind her

"urh" she mutter with disguise

"Why am I not going enough for you!" he snapped

Lancer had return to Kotomine church "master berserker is destroying the nearby city." He reported.

"How do you know that?" Kirei asked

"Um I saw him." The servant replied. "Oh good" said with a chuckle "then why don't you…I don't know, STOP HIM!"

* * *

When saber and Shirou arrived at the restaurant t caster spotted them immediately, her first thought would be to fight and take saber but she plan the date for so long she didn't want to mess it up with bloodshed so she didn't say anything. Shirou thought the same thing. "( _if there not attacking us or hurting anyone then we don't have to fight right?)"_ Saber had notice them shortly after the food had arrived but she also chosen to ignore it seeing how hard Shirou to make her happy. Meanwhile outside berserker was still looking Illya. The giant saw caster and knew she would be the one to take her because she a homunculus for the Holy Grail Wars and caster could use her to get the grail. Berserker screamed and charged at the restaurant but lancer jumped in front of him. His knees were shaking in fear he as he mumbled

"Berserker I'm here to stop you."

* * *

Rin and archer rushed to the scene when they heard the two servant where fighting "it's berserker and lancers, what do you want to do rin?" archer asked

"Well a lot of innocent people could let hurt it this gets out of hand"

"I don't see the problem here"

"Shirou would"

"Did you really just say that?" Lancer notices the two of them and called out.

"Hey guys a little help!" while distracted Berserker launched him into a building

"Lancer died?" rin said in shock.

"YOU'RE NOT HUMAN!" archer yelled after he summoned Kanshou and Bakuya.

Shirou, saber, caster,caster, and kuzuki heard the noise outside and knew Berserker was causing it "saber I'll fight berserker you sneak behind him and finish him with Excalibur" saber nodded then they jumped in to action.

"What are you doing archer are you trying to get killed?" archer signed

"Yes rin, I liked dying so him the first time I thought: hey I should do that again, who knows it might be better the second time." Berserker swung left hook and archer dodged it and threw his sword.

"Are you back sassing me?!" rin yelled.

"I'm trying to use unlimited blade works and you're distancing me." He replied as he chuted arrows at the monster.

"I'm tired of your attitude."

"I'm tired of you period. You've been mean to me for the past few weeks for no reason."

"You threated with sword this morning"

"You know I joking"

"This is why I can't deal with you, you such a child." Archer turned around

"You know what rin, I'm sorry can't be like you." He started walking toward rin "I don't have as many friends as you do and I may seem weird but this is who I am" he was standing front in front of her "and I know I wasn't the servant you wanted so since you hate me so much then why don't you get a new one. Rin's eyes filled with fear and she screamed

"ARCHER!" he looked behind him and Berserker was right there, he moved out of the way and Berserker punched the rin so hard there was a huge crater. He rushed back to her side to check on her.

"Wow that's a lot of blood." He joked

"Damn archer!" she yelled

Shirou got outside and threw a rock to get Berserker attention, he then reached walked over to him " **trace on** " he copy Excalibur "Berserker I don't want to fight you but if I have to I will, wait where illya?" shirou notice Berserker looked sad "did you lose her again?" Berserker nodded "this the third time," he signed "don't worry we'll help you find her.

* * *

After Shinji little shower event he told rider to stay while he got some fresh air. One hour later he came back home with a bag. "Welcome home master." She greeted, Shinji tossed the bag to rider and she caught it "what is this?" she asked

"Just open it" she looked inside and was a huge sweater that covered he body up to her knees "I want you to wear this when we are inside for now on." He ordered. Rider smiled

"Master you got me a present." She reached out her arms to hug him.

"Rider if you hug me I swear to god I'm going to punch you. Now put on the damn sweater." She did as she was told.

"How do I look?" Shinji turned around when for the door. "Where are you going?"

"To buy you some pants." Shinji went to the near city "how am I supposed to focus on the Holy Grail war when my servant is practically falling out of her clothes! She has to be the worst servants ever."

* * *

Archer finished patching up rin. "so, we said something s that we didn't mean" he said

I'm sorry for acting childish but, I guess I'm just jealous you would want to hang out with Shirou over you own servant. We are the same person for crying out loud." Rin signed.

"well In all I honestly I've been acting rude late and you are kinda active." Archer laughed

"rin you not my type, plus I'm like a am nine on a good day and you are a drunk negative seven" rin face turned bright red with angrily "but we can be friends." He hugged her and patted her on the backs and left. "Worse servant ever."

* * *

Shirou and saber brought Berserker to illya and told her about the destroyed cities. Shirou thought she been upset due to the carnage he caused but she yelled "what kind of servant can't play a simple game of hide and seek? You are the worse servant ever."

Caster returned home to find her temple in ruins. "Assassin what happen?" she yelled

"Berserker attacked and"

"You didn't stop him? Worst servant ever." She looked at the temple again "then again you didn't go in the house. You're getting better."

* * *

Kirei Kotomine had a funeral for lancer that no one bother to show up but Gilgamesh because he had nothing better to do. "We can are here to today to honor lancer he may have been the worse servant ever by he was my servant. No one can replace him not even you Gilgamesh"

"Are you trying to insult me?"

"Yes" he replied before leaving.

"I miss Tokiomi, I'm so lonely how."

* * *

Saber was training with Shirou in the dojo after three rounds of fighting saber they took break. "Saber I'm sorry our didn't go plan"

It's okay Shirou it's not your fault berserker went on a rampage."

"yeah, I have say I'm suppose that you haven't talked about killing him yet, it might happen again."

"I'm aware but I think berserker probably the best person to protect illya."

"yeah I think you're right."

"Do you wish to keep going."

"sure." The two had one last sparring match "(best servant ever.")

* * *

thanks for reading leave a review if you liked it.


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